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The Great Indoors

by Ben Cardilli

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1.
Day 1 01:04
2.
Getting ready for a Friday night in Crack the whisky while I finish the gin Open the blinds cuz were dressed to the nines If the neighbours never see, it’s a sin. Pick a movie that we ain’t gonna watch Ain’t no secret there’s an itch in my crotch Shouldn’t be a tough sell while were stuck in this hell Its a shot that even I couldn’t botch It’s the right time for some loving’ And we’ve used up every excuse You got some fresh bread in the oven? Ok we’ll eat it of course and then pants are gonna get loose After taking time to Skype with your dad Start to realize this isn’t half bad Check all our texts then we’re ready for sex To the greatest Friday we’ve ever had Is it weird that I ain’t missing the world Being spoiled from all this time with my girl Check on my pets, Trudeau paying my debts Look out, I’m coming’ in for a twirl. Ain’t no people talking loudly, The streets are quiet and calm As for traffic, hardly any You’d think that some crazy asshole called in a bomb. Take cover, now. Now I know some folks are suffering And that part still makes me sad But this home life sure beats working To think, some of us could have been cleaning toilets instead! (no shame in that, just eh) So enjoy a little Friday night in No one wondering where the hell you have been We’re all in our rooms just avoiding our doom And thats exactly why I’m wearing a grin Tell ya, personally I call this a win. God, I’m loving me this Friday night in…
3.
Eating for the sake of eating Eating cuz I have a big whole inside I try to fill it up by feeding But no tikka masala's gonna change her mind Yet I feel a little less alone When I’m chewing on a chicken bone And I admit that I’m just Eating for the sake of eating, I’ll tell you why Cuz I got no job, no girl , no money, Just a cupboard full of Nutella and honey No slick ride no stock portfolio Just snickers, 3 musketeers and rolo I ain’t going nowhere fast Just gonna sit here on my growing ass , And I admit that I’m just Eating for the sake of eating, I’m dead inside Open up the fridge each morning There's so many options that I might go blind Sushi I didn’t finish last night Turkey in some foil and some cherry pie I ever have to leave my home, Got foodora on my telephone And now you know that I’m just Eating for the sake of a food induced suicide Woke up in a cloud of Cheeto dust Thought the orange light was the pearly gates But I was sitting in my room and so I'll have to wait I just hope the next turducken’s gonna seal my fate But I ain’t dead just yet Maybe they’ll put me down at the vet Cuz I’m an animal Eating for the sake of leaving this world behind Eating, eating, Eating for the sake of eating Eating, eating, Eating for the sake of eating Eating, eating, Eating for the sake of eating Yea we're eating for the sake of eating We're all eating for the sake of eating...
4.
House Rules 02:39
I moved in with a cutie thinking everything was groovy, But I’d only ever lived on my own. So it only took a second before I was overstepping And she broke me down the rules of her home. She said Leave the seat down, or get out of town. Hang the paper from the back or grab a suitcase and pack. For every dish done, I’ll lower my gun. If you don’t take out the trash then you’re a thing of the past. House Rules She runs a tight ship so I ain’t given’ her lip Cuz if I’m being fully honest, Ooo she scares me a bit. Says I’m a real slob, try getting a job Cuz you ain’t been doing nothing like a lump on a log. See you don’t cook well, you can’t fix a sink and you been sitting here for days And now you’re starting to stink. Why are you such a grouch? Feet off of my couch! Hey boy, I’ll give you a choice. Either pick up all your shit or we’re through. No more game boy. Quit making your noise. If you want I’ll find you something to do. These are my House Rules!
5.
All my friends are robot friends All my friends are robot friends Just me and my robot friends Square heats while the oblong blends I’ll never be lonely when I’m surrounded by my new robot friends I knew some people now they all live in my phone Not what it seems though, man I never feel alone Got my buddies all around me Some are plastic some are chrome And they’re always down to party Long as we keep it at home They sipping juice, I’m sipping gin We getting loose, because we’re friends See they all have things to offer, Some are showers some are poppers When it comes to picking crew, I’ve always been a clever shopper Now it’s Just me and my robot friends Square heats while the oblong blends I’ll never be lonely when I’m surrounded by my new robot friends Let me tell you about this one guy that I know He goes by the eastern name of Nintendo He likes to play, He lets me win He’s into games, is that a sin? I don’t think so baby! Tommy trimmer, he just wants to see my face Doesn’t like it when my beard gets in the way Envy prints, Betty toasts Sony spins, you heard the Bose Get this party started! Just me and my robot friends Square heats while the oblong blends I’ll never be lonely when I’m surrounded by my new robot friends So polite Out of sight Turn them on Lets have fun Just me and my robot friends Square heats while the oblong blends I’ll never be lonely when I’m surrounded by my new robot friends Nice and clean (My new robot friends) What a dream (My new robot friends) I’ll never be lonely when I’m surrounded by my new robot friends All my friends are robot friends All my friends are robot friends
6.
Puppies 00:30
Bring me puppies Lots of puppies Soft and fluffy I want to scratch their little tummies Bring me puppies Lots of puppies Soft and fluffy I want to scratch their little tummies
7.
Mine to Lose 03:03
I better start jogging I’ve let myself go too long I’m outgrowing all my thongs (Getting a little snug now) Fuck it, it’s raining The urge to veg out’s too strong Babe, have you seen my bong? (Left it around here somewhere) I was pumped, but the moments gone I’m hitting snooze I’ll start tomorrow If you got shoes That I can borrow the gut’s mine to lose? I’m gonna lift weights soon and get my old body back Before my poor heart attacks But where did you hide my snacks? Never said I’d start today When there’s tomorrow Either way I’m just a stone’s throw From losing weight Getting shredded Making gains It’s where I’m headed Just you wait This guitar’s pretty heavy so thats a start. Tomorrow is here at last How’d the hell’d it come so fast Cuz I ain’t ready I haven’t stretched In a decade Hurt my back In my bedding Been out of shape Since my wedding Cut me some slack.
8.
Feels like I seen some shit Just made it to the end of Netflix Ooo and you won’t believe how it ends You might lose some friends, But you’ll gain a flex, kid. You can forget the chill, Ain’t no booty call worth it when The Punisher steps in. I’m a circle Jerk. @ Joey’s mom, the cheques in Strange Things happen in midst of one Finn Wolfhard I’m in the upside down And I ain’t coming back before they Get that Bitch Carol Baskin. ..I ain’t gonna be mad, I’m just asking Anyone really thinking’ Amber and Barnett was a win win? Or maybe I’m an Underwood, Straight killer in the house calling shots like a boss Let Mr. Avery out of jail cuz he didn’t break any laws Wrong place wrong time, My boy was framed then maxed in! You see the problems we face when we get Lost in Space Or have our carbon replaced, or maybe We’re just building a cake and you nailed it Lying here, barely awake like we shameless Feels like I seen some shit Just made it to the end of Netflix Ooo and you won’t believe how it ends You might lose some friends, But you’ll gain a flex, kid. Welcome to the end of the line. You made it, baby. Honey you’re just in time. I got new shit waiting. Hell Yea I’m still watching You’d think after 4 in the morning they’d quit clocking Took me nearly seventy minutes to pick something Now I’m getting my fix, hold up, Jimmy Carr’s talking I just learned how to cook and I ain’t talking meth To steal a page from Mr White’s book. Nah. I make it Ugly Delicious. Just like Red’s in the Kitchen and We’re just doing our time, Look Long as they keep making these shows about the criminal folk Then I’ll be caught by the toe, like a tiger. I ain’t even talking bout Joe, I’m inspired to keep a razor in my cap Like I’m a Peaky fuckin’ Blinder They wonder how the hell I keep up Got 20 series’ going at once Like I’m a character slut. Truth is, I’m just trying to keep my mind trim. Working at it daily like I’m going to the gym.
9.
Hot Water 03:17
My baby uses all the hot water And people wonder why I hate taking showers Freezing my nuts off in the early morning hours When I ask about it, oh you know It only makes her sour How does scrubbing your tiny body take an hour? Come on! I know I’m not the earliest riser I sometimes miss out on my time with the geyser A Few days pass and soon I’m attracting flies Or the people on the bus They start to leave a seat between us I wanna wash up, but The temperature’s so mean that I can’t Just a few drops is all that I need If she could just stop and stifle her greed Every mornings like the ice bucket challenge If she would ration, then I think we could manage She gets a sauna, I get hosed down like a prisoner Its like living in my filth has been the cost of being with her every time I turn a faucet now, I shiver Its wrong! She listens to Shakira on repeat Sings so loud that she pretends not to hear me I’m just so tempted to go flush every toilet She won’t share her guilty pleasure, So you know I’ll try to spoil it Guess I better grab a pot and start to boil it I’m done… My baby uses all the hot water My baby uses all the hot water…
10.
This is starting to suck. Yea, We knew it was bad Just comedians’ luck We got new jokes, but ain’t no shows to tell them at So we’re all going live, But we know it’s a fad Cuz Without crowds there laughing with us All our punchlines just fall flat Tell us when will it end? And will we murder again? Cuz we’re currently bombing in our bedrooms On our zoom calls with our dads Please just give us a mic And a room with a stage We been keeping it light, But without any laughs Our clever insights sound deranged. Damn this blows, This is one half empty cup Without shows What’s the use in standing up? The jokes on us. We are the born to grind It’s hard for us to waste the time A small vacation? Fine, But more than that We’ll lose our minds We need a crowd to please, We even miss the hecklers, G And if you hadn’t noticed We’re the lowest that we’ve ever been Look, what you gotta see Is this ain’t art, it’s therapy And every day without it Is a toxin in our chemistry We hope you’ve all been safe And taking time for bettering, Just know you best be ready When this ends we’re bringing everything So tonight, when you’re scrolling through your phones Find a joke someone’s trying to tell from home And laugh along. Damn this blows, This is one half empty cup Without shows What’s the use in standing up? The jokes on us Damn this blows, This is one half empty cup Without shows What’s the use in standing up? The jokes on us…
11.
Day 4380 00:59

about

An album of silly AF slappers born in quarantine. Don't forget to click the YouTube link to view the music videos that accompany many of the songs.

credits

released June 9, 2020

All songs written, performed, produced, mixed & mastered by Ben Cardilli
Except track #3, co-written by Dion Owen
BCL Records 001

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Ben Cardilli Montreal, Québec

Ben Cardilli is a montreal based standup comedian, musician and producer. During the cover crisis, he was finally inspired to merge his interests into silly songs about a hopeless situation resulting in his debut album "The Great Indoors." Check out the music videos for the albums singles at the link below! ... more

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