1. |
Day 1
01:04
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2. |
Friday Night In
02:50
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Getting ready for a Friday night in
Crack the whisky while I finish the gin
Open the blinds cuz were dressed to the nines
If the neighbours never see, it’s a sin.
Pick a movie that we ain’t gonna watch
Ain’t no secret there’s an itch in my crotch
Shouldn’t be a tough sell while were stuck in this hell
Its a shot that even I couldn’t botch
It’s the right time for some loving’
And we’ve used up every excuse
You got some fresh bread in the oven?
Ok we’ll eat it of course and then pants are gonna get loose
After taking time to Skype with your dad
Start to realize this isn’t half bad
Check all our texts then we’re ready for sex
To the greatest Friday we’ve ever had
Is it weird that I ain’t missing the world
Being spoiled from all this time with my girl
Check on my pets, Trudeau paying my debts
Look out, I’m coming’ in for a twirl.
Ain’t no people talking loudly,
The streets are quiet and calm
As for traffic, hardly any
You’d think that some crazy asshole called in a bomb.
Take cover, now.
Now I know some folks are suffering
And that part still makes me sad
But this home life sure beats working
To think, some of us could have been cleaning toilets instead!
(no shame in that, just eh)
So enjoy a little Friday night in
No one wondering where the hell you have been
We’re all in our rooms just avoiding our doom
And thats exactly why I’m wearing a grin
Tell ya, personally I call this a win.
God, I’m loving me this Friday night in…
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3. |
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Eating for the sake of eating
Eating cuz I have a big whole inside
I try to fill it up by feeding
But no tikka masala's gonna change her mind
Yet I feel a little less alone
When I’m chewing on a chicken bone
And I admit that I’m just
Eating for the sake of eating,
I’ll tell you why
Cuz I got no job, no girl , no money,
Just a cupboard full of Nutella and honey
No slick ride no stock portfolio
Just snickers, 3 musketeers and rolo
I ain’t going nowhere fast
Just gonna sit here on my growing ass ,
And I admit that I’m just
Eating for the sake of eating,
I’m dead inside
Open up the fridge each morning
There's so many options that I might go blind
Sushi I didn’t finish last night
Turkey in some foil and some cherry pie
I ever have to leave my home,
Got foodora on my telephone
And now you know that I’m just
Eating for the sake of a food induced suicide
Woke up in a cloud of Cheeto dust
Thought the orange light was the pearly gates
But I was sitting in my room and so I'll have to wait
I just hope the next turducken’s gonna seal my fate
But I ain’t dead just yet
Maybe they’ll put me down at the vet
Cuz I’m an animal
Eating for the sake of leaving this world behind
Eating, eating,
Eating for the sake of eating
Eating, eating,
Eating for the sake of eating
Eating, eating,
Eating for the sake of eating
Yea we're eating for the sake of eating
We're all eating for the sake of eating...
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4. |
House Rules
02:39
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I moved in with a cutie thinking everything was groovy,
But I’d only ever lived on my own.
So it only took a second before I was overstepping
And she broke me down the rules of her home.
She said
Leave the seat down, or get out of town.
Hang the paper from the back or grab a suitcase and pack.
For every dish done, I’ll lower my gun.
If you don’t take out the trash then you’re a thing of the past.
House Rules
She runs a tight ship so I ain’t given’ her lip
Cuz if I’m being fully honest, Ooo she scares me a bit.
Says I’m a real slob, try getting a job
Cuz you ain’t been doing nothing like a lump on a log.
See you don’t cook well, you can’t fix a sink
and you been sitting here for days
And now you’re starting to stink.
Why are you such a grouch?
Feet off of my couch!
Hey boy, I’ll give you a choice.
Either pick up all your shit or we’re through.
No more game boy. Quit making your noise.
If you want I’ll find you something to do.
These are my House Rules!
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5. |
Robot Friends
02:56
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All my friends are robot friends
All my friends are robot friends
Just me and my robot friends
Square heats while the oblong blends
I’ll never be lonely when
I’m surrounded by my new robot friends
I knew some people now they all live in my phone
Not what it seems though, man I never feel alone
Got my buddies all around me
Some are plastic some are chrome
And they’re always down to party
Long as we keep it at home
They sipping juice, I’m sipping gin
We getting loose, because we’re friends
See they all have things to offer,
Some are showers some are poppers
When it comes to picking crew,
I’ve always been a clever shopper
Now it’s
Just me and my robot friends
Square heats while the oblong blends
I’ll never be lonely when
I’m surrounded by my new robot friends
Let me tell you about this one guy that I know
He goes by the eastern name of Nintendo
He likes to play, He lets me win
He’s into games, is that a sin?
I don’t think so baby!
Tommy trimmer, he just wants to see my face
Doesn’t like it when my beard gets in the way
Envy prints, Betty toasts
Sony spins, you heard the Bose
Get this party started!
Just me and my robot friends
Square heats while the oblong blends
I’ll never be lonely when
I’m surrounded by my new robot friends
So polite
Out of sight
Turn them on
Lets have fun
Just me and my robot friends
Square heats while the oblong blends
I’ll never be lonely when
I’m surrounded by my new robot friends
Nice and clean (My new robot friends)
What a dream (My new robot friends)
I’ll never be lonely when
I’m surrounded by my new robot friends
All my friends are robot friends
All my friends are robot friends
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6. |
Puppies
00:30
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Bring me puppies
Lots of puppies
Soft and fluffy
I want to scratch their little tummies
Bring me puppies
Lots of puppies
Soft and fluffy
I want to scratch their little tummies
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7. |
Mine to Lose
03:03
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I better start jogging
I’ve let myself go too long
I’m outgrowing all my thongs
(Getting a little snug now)
Fuck it, it’s raining
The urge to veg out’s too strong
Babe, have you seen my bong?
(Left it around here somewhere)
I was pumped, but the moments gone
I’m hitting snooze
I’ll start tomorrow
If you got shoes
That I can borrow
the gut’s mine to lose?
I’m gonna lift weights soon
and get my old body back
Before my poor heart attacks
But where did you hide my snacks?
Never said I’d start today
When there’s tomorrow
Either way
I’m just a stone’s throw
From losing weight
Getting shredded
Making gains
It’s where I’m headed
Just you wait
This guitar’s pretty heavy so thats a start.
Tomorrow is here at last
How’d the hell’d it come so fast
Cuz I ain’t ready
I haven’t stretched
In a decade
Hurt my back
In my bedding
Been out of shape
Since my wedding
Cut me some slack.
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8. |
The End of Netflix
02:32
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Feels like I seen some shit
Just made it to the end of Netflix
Ooo and you won’t believe how it ends
You might lose some friends,
But you’ll gain a flex, kid.
You can forget the chill,
Ain’t no booty call worth it when The Punisher steps in.
I’m a circle Jerk. @ Joey’s mom, the cheques in
Strange Things happen in midst of one Finn Wolfhard
I’m in the upside down
And I ain’t coming back before they
Get that Bitch Carol Baskin.
..I ain’t gonna be mad, I’m just asking
Anyone really thinking’ Amber and Barnett was a win win?
Or maybe I’m an Underwood,
Straight killer in the house calling shots like a boss
Let Mr. Avery out of jail cuz he didn’t break any laws
Wrong place wrong time,
My boy was framed then maxed in!
You see the problems we face when we get Lost in Space
Or have our carbon replaced, or maybe
We’re just building a cake and you nailed it
Lying here, barely awake like we shameless
Feels like I seen some shit
Just made it to the end of Netflix
Ooo and you won’t believe how it ends
You might lose some friends,
But you’ll gain a flex, kid.
Welcome to the end of the line.
You made it, baby.
Honey you’re just in time.
I got new shit waiting.
Hell Yea I’m still watching
You’d think after 4 in the morning they’d quit clocking
Took me nearly seventy minutes to pick something
Now I’m getting my fix, hold up, Jimmy Carr’s talking
I just learned how to cook
and I ain’t talking meth
To steal a page from Mr White’s book.
Nah. I make it Ugly Delicious.
Just like Red’s in the Kitchen and
We’re just doing our time, Look
Long as they keep making these shows about the criminal folk
Then I’ll be caught by the toe, like a tiger.
I ain’t even talking bout Joe,
I’m inspired to keep a razor in my cap
Like I’m a Peaky fuckin’ Blinder
They wonder how the hell I keep up
Got 20 series’ going at once
Like I’m a character slut.
Truth is, I’m just trying to keep my mind trim.
Working at it daily like I’m going to the gym.
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9. |
Hot Water
03:17
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My baby uses all the hot water
And people wonder why I hate taking showers
Freezing my nuts off in the early morning hours
When I ask about it, oh you know
It only makes her sour
How does scrubbing your tiny body take an hour?
Come on!
I know I’m not the earliest riser
I sometimes miss out on my time with the geyser
A Few days pass and soon I’m attracting flies
Or the people on the bus
They start to leave a seat between us
I wanna wash up, but
The temperature’s so mean that I can’t
Just a few drops is all that I need
If she could just stop and stifle her greed
Every mornings like the ice bucket challenge
If she would ration, then I think we could manage
She gets a sauna, I get hosed down like a prisoner
Its like living in my filth has been the cost of being with her
every time I turn a faucet now, I shiver
Its wrong!
She listens to Shakira on repeat
Sings so loud that she pretends not to hear me
I’m just so tempted to go flush every toilet
She won’t share her guilty pleasure,
So you know I’ll try to spoil it
Guess I better grab a pot and start to boil it
I’m done…
My baby uses all the hot water
My baby uses all the hot water…
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10. |
The Joke's on Us
03:20
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This is starting to suck.
Yea, We knew it was bad
Just comedians’ luck
We got new jokes, but ain’t no shows to tell them at
So we’re all going live, But we know it’s a fad
Cuz Without crowds there laughing with us
All our punchlines just fall flat
Tell us when will it end?
And will we murder again?
Cuz we’re currently bombing in our bedrooms
On our zoom calls with our dads
Please just give us a mic
And a room with a stage
We been keeping it light,
But without any laughs
Our clever insights sound deranged.
Damn this blows,
This is one half empty cup
Without shows
What’s the use in standing up?
The jokes on us.
We are the born to grind
It’s hard for us to waste the time
A small vacation? Fine,
But more than that We’ll lose our minds
We need a crowd to please,
We even miss the hecklers, G
And if you hadn’t noticed
We’re the lowest that we’ve ever been
Look, what you gotta see
Is this ain’t art, it’s therapy
And every day without it
Is a toxin in our chemistry
We hope you’ve all been safe
And taking time for bettering,
Just know you best be ready
When this ends we’re bringing everything
So tonight,
when you’re scrolling through your phones
Find a joke someone’s trying to tell from home
And laugh along.
Damn this blows,
This is one half empty cup
Without shows
What’s the use in standing up?
The jokes on us
Damn this blows,
This is one half empty cup
Without shows
What’s the use in standing up?
The jokes on us…
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11. |
Day 4380
00:59
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Ben Cardilli Montreal, Québec
Ben Cardilli is a montreal based standup comedian, musician and producer. During the cover crisis, he was finally inspired to merge his interests into silly songs about a hopeless situation resulting in his debut album "The Great Indoors." Check out the music videos for the albums singles at the link below! ... more
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